bringing this blog back. i forgot i last used it back in may. funny reading the posts again. that's what makes it all worth it. in a spot where i want to practice writing out thoughts again. i don't mind people reading them, just don't want to feel like i'm forcing anyone

i'm trying to write some poems, or prose really, to read at an open mic on wednesday. i did it last month and it was fun. i would feel more self assured in my writing if it weren't an open mic, if it were something more curated but houston isn't the best place for a literary scene, or maybe i just still haven't found it. i do like this event. i considered inviting friends to it but i can't bring myself to mention it. like, why should any of them take the time out of their evenings to come to a secluded part of a millenial ass bar to hear me read stuff that i wrote in the last few days ?

it's good practice. i'm doing it because it forces me to write something in a no-stakes way. i have nothing to lose. i don't have to talk to anyone there. (but if ya'll see this swing by)

my left pinky has been cramping up recently, more than i ever remember and seemingly more often

some tweet of mine that went viral while in undergrad resurfaced again. it does every so often but finally acknowledged it today. feels weird to rememeber where i was when i posted that. i can see my room, even smell the outside, but its so foreign now

i had been flip-flopping on whether to gift someone a book for a bit. finally gave it away on sunday. i guess i just like giving things !

last thursday i went to my court appointment dressed as a clown. biked over from work since i wanted to avoid dealing with parking. no one said anything to me directly but i'm sure some of the people who saw me had some thoughts. i mean, it's really boring in there so any amount of whimsy i can bring to others i see as a good thing. i hope they laughed a bit. i was there cause i gave a witness statement to an accident in august. the lady tried to rush through a left turn even though she had to yield. i watched as the car in front of me kept going straight, both waiting for the other to stop. the left-turner was talking crazy to the other driver afterwards which is why i stuck around. like how do you drive that recklessly with your kids in the car. neither driver had a valid license lol which is why i had to testify against both of them

it was just a big waste of time. sat around for about an hour before was told i could leave. happened both times. but dressed as a clown i actually had to talk to the prosecuter. he didnt flinch. after i biked to echoes to catch someone's dj set. he's a bit odd, or at least was in the past. i know some of my friends don't like him but none of my experiences were too negative and it had been monmths since i'd last really intewracted with him so i went. the music was good. it's on youtube now which i should check out. simon walked up to me just as i was preparing to go home and we went to chipotle. cahsier asked me what was up with the costume and i said i had court. cashier said ok. when we sat down, he told me about his latest break up. third time or so with the same person this year. told him i feel they have one more go at it in them. he asked about mine and i expressed a bit more than i normally would. then he asked who my closest friend is. i didn't have a good answer. i said areli, since she's who i talk to the most (we're roommates) but then gave him a rundown of how months ago i would've said [redacted] but had to cut them off early into summer due to some stuff coming up that i don't enjoy talking about and have avoided explicitly stating. people that know, know. showed him pictures and stuff and he said yea looks familiar but also hadn't seen them in a while

he drove me back to echoes. i got on my bike and went home. hopped on discord with some friends for a while before going to dannys around one. i walked in and headed towards the patio. saw elora sitting in the far corner table and was gonna say hi when i spotted [redacted] in a hoodie and beanie standing accross from where she was sitting. turned away instantly to go back inside when she and laura started yelling my name. at least twice, maybe three. i suppose i brought that on myself. i have a tendency to leave without saying anything so sometimes people will feel the need to call out to me. elora comes in and i explain to her that i did see them but i was trying to avoid someone near that table. i went out later and it was fine. they had moved, though had not left the bar, so i was able to join my friends. i'm sure they were aware by then that i was there. motorcycle probably also gave it way when i arrived. so dumb that i spoke that whole instance into existence. the day that i bring them up is the day i see them for the first time since like june. so silly to try and avoid them and have my friends announce my arrival like that. nothing came of it

tried to explain this to someone over lunch but i think the gravity got lost in how i chose to retell it. it's not fun for me. i was close with them for so long. not fun to just have to cut them off. i've essentially gone no contact with multiple people this year that at one point i talked to all the time. it's rough. it's annoying when i want to make a joke or reference to soemthing but no one else will get it other than them and i just have to sit with that. i don't even think the year will end like that, i mean, i feel there's another interpersonal casualty to be had