my left eye feels twitchy. it has for maybe three days now. is this stress related ?

the thing is, just when i think things can start to get better, they immediately fall apart

i have this second week of february and the fourth week of last may as evidence

it was forecasted to be all wet and frozen and cold this weekend. which sent everyone in town into a sort of ptsd-induced panic shopping frenzy. store shelves for water were empty beginning thursday. it ended up being nothing like that. just really cold. some rain but not enough for the roads to turn to ice like i persoanlly anticipated. objectively a good thing. i bought ingredients to make my lentil stew. i wanted to make it saturday night but put it off til late morning sunday

after work on saturday i went with sade and cisco to the taco truck in the east end. i got a torta and a baked potato. they got quesadillas and charro beans. we drove to the grocery store on on the same street where i got my agaua de piedra seltzers, only place i've seen them at retail. went back by my job cause i forgot something then came to my place for a bit. since i had hot food i didn't feel like doing all the chopping to get lentils going

earlier in the week i started watching hbo's 'girls' to get a better understanding of the 2010s female milieu. i remember disliking lena mostly for 2016-era pro-clinton posting, but, y'know, that was ten years ago now. doesn't make sense to discount it, especially since i've heard it talked about positively online. and with the last few years of 'satc' resurgence, i felt girls could be that for me, since i would not be able to relate so much to the older show. it's been good. i'm on season three now, i thought there were four but there's six. there's things to relate to in every character, and i don't find myself hating any or anything. is nice to get a glimpse of that 'hipster' time in nyc, but i wouldn't call it nostalgia. i get to see how they navigate their friendship problems, relate here and there, but mostly just see scenarios play out. i'm also mixing in some anime episodes between that. i cought up on ranma 1/2, and i want to start jujutsu kaisen soon because everyone talks about it and i'm sure it is good. i saw a bit of the movie at sade's the other week

i missed out on this week's sade movie night with noam and others cause of doomsday prepping and talking about stuff with people. i havent plugged a flat on my motrocycle that developed beginning of the week, so all my trips have been on bicycle. was too late and too cold for me to go over by the time i was free again

yesterday, i set the lentils and then asked my sister who wanted me to drive her to spring to get something for her car if she still wanted to do that. she came and we drove north. i brought my bass to take to the shop to get it restrung. tech guy didnt have time but i was able to get strings. we went to the dealership, then dutch bros after. there was a bass pro shop next door so i made her go in with me to look at the live fish they keep in them. we drove back and she had offered food, not just the dutch bros 'tasty treat' so instead of fast food i drove us to a thai restaurant. she hadn't had thai before so we got drunken noodles. i got some from a different spot with alyssa a week ago, and those were better but these were still good. ate it at my place, she called argelia about their september trip to socal for a bts concert. i may join, maybe not for bts but a trip to socal could be fun, schedule premitting. she left and i continued to clean and simmer stew

i invited sade and cisco and billy and pher to join me once my lentils were ready. sade and cisco did not come, which we hung out the night before so no big deal. pher did not want to be on the road, fair. billy came through with marshie, who i hadn't personally met before but i had seen him (them?) play music since they're in a band with my friend chrissy. they got here, i served them, lit some candles, handed them a respective lone star, and we sat on the table and couch while a xiu xiu record played. billy likes xiu xiu and earlier in the day i was using my record player for the first time in maybe a year. i wanted to listen to a sufjan song inspired by an edit that evan played at her b2b set with pher this month. but was like, if i have in on vinyl just do that instead of plugging in laptop... we ate, did some ketamine, though marshie didn't partake, and just listened and talked for like an hour or so. they left in fear of it getting worse. it was really cold when we stepped out to smoke a rose blossom cig from mexico i still had. i continued watching girls til i got sleepy around 11 or midnight and passed out

i cleaned my keyboard the other day i feel brand new

feeling dumb for a myriad of reasons

Still got that glint in your eye
Like you did the very first time
Oh, it's like we never said goodbye
And it makes me feel, makes me feel, like everything that I could ever need And it makes me feel, and it makes me feel, like I don't ever wanna say goodbye

would love to be able to post more postive stuff, especially considering how yesterday was a pretty good day overall, but was hit with distressing news today and have been in a spiral of sorts since. have mostly overcome a lot of the negative emotions, majority were immediate and intense so walking around and eating something helped, but there's still lingering sentiments of inadequacy, incompetnece, and general 'what is the point in all this?' that i'm navigating through. i have hope that it can be sorted out, but when so much of my life has changed because of this and it kinda potentially unravelling so fast, makes me feel like it was all a mistake. But, i won't dwell on that for now. gonna go to a dinner thing. then idk. talked to three people about it to varying degrees. thinking of that jung quote about how loneliness is not because there's no one there, but because you can't express the things you feel are important. so im being mindful about not retreating from feelings of wanting to talk to people. even if i know they can't offer a solution, i'm still practicing communication

preordering a book by an author i found early into college who is finally getting a book published and i think that's cool and i'm glad i will be able to read it and maybe i should've emailed them way back when to read previous drafts but i don't like to reach out ! i've gatekept them from anyone who's asked me who i like reading because sometimes it feels parasocial, since they're not 'big', but mostly to keep something to myself in a world where everything is increasinly shared. but i guess it will end up on my storygraph at some point this year so the gatekeeping will end this year, but i doubt anyone will actually notice

dont reallly feel like biking in 40 degree weather to get a pisco sour

listening to banshee beat, swirly lights from jamie swirling, thinking of that one august on staten island at kwynn's when i texted rebekah about like hurricane harvey. i think that was my last message. at least i think it was

poetically speaking, it would be the perfecet time for my [redacted] to [redacted] just cause its new year's eve, y'know?

looking over the covers page of the books i read this year thinking about how each marked a specific moment, mindset, etc. eras. it makes sense. right now, this moment, doesnt make sense

listening to stuff i addded to my 'likes' on spotify ten years ago. like weezer. and jamie xx. sufjan

when i think abouit what it means to be special to someone. i don't think i deserve that recognition.

i just want to see the 25 turn to 26 alone i think

sorry that i still use spotify. im a #fake leftist i suppose

listening to bright eyes (lol) thinking of the time my younger sister was driving me somewhere, had to be recent, and she played bright eyes (lol) maybe she wasn't driving... but she did queueu up bright eyes (lol)

me and my 'i deserve' mental distortions

i think this new years feels especially hard cause its the first one in five years where a couple people who meant so much to me will no longer be there

on top of general depression/insecurity stuff that pops up around now anyway

i dont think i've eaten much since like friday. idr what i ate that day but sat was just a couple bites of a burger and some fries, sunday was three tamales that i didnt even want. monday was a kolache and croissant in the morning. today has been a single reeses cup, but i've hit up some friends about going out to eat tonight so i cant just stay in bed til tomorrow anymore

when i texted emmett the other day he didnt have my number saved anymore