okay it took reaching out and opening up to make me feel like things are getting better. i don't feel better about my predicament exactly, like my negative feelings and assumptions are still there but by divulging some of them i feel like there was a step towards actual friendship that hadn't been taken before. like when you get a new star or whatever for your confidant status in persona games lol. i am always happy with just being friends with someone. even if it takes time to process my own feelings, i know that i can do that. i've gotten sleepy again and i think it's best to cut myself off while i'm ahead so to speak

i am fostering a cat named kirby for a few days. she is hiding under my bed. she was curled up next to one of my garfield plushies that fell down there, but she is now on her bed which i slid over to her. hope she joins me on the bed at some point. gonna put out food and go to bed. kirby has one eye. her right eye was removed due to suspicion that they were casuing her weird growths on her head. after the eye was removed, the lumps did not go down as anticipated. they haven't grown noticably in size, but they are prominent. they don't appear to cause her discomfort, so she is still being cared for, but it's understood that if/when they become a quality of life concern, she will have to be put down. she is between 8-12 years. black cat. she's sweet

sometimes the road isn't long. but it's good to feel warmth in the stretch that does exist

day three and while i feel a little better i had a rough time last night when no one...

nevermind. i don't care to finish that thought. i had an okay day today where i bought two coffees, a 'weekend in cdmx' and a pumpkin spice latte. i finished 'the vegeratrian' which is about trauma, among other things. and the last part that i was reading the sibling was debating how if only she had spoken up, this outcome, where her sister forces her to confront the question "and whats so wrong about dying?" after enduring abuse throughout her life culminating in succumbing to a dream of alienation and dehumanization, could have been avoided. What can be avoided by just communicating? can whatever outcomes we face really be changed? will it happen anyway? i'm not a great communicator. i know that. i channeled some of my general negative emotions towards something constructive with my roommate earlier. but i never really spoke about how i felt with this person that i fear has walked out of my life this week. and while i don't fully belive that to be the case, you can only take people for their word and that was not was i was told, i regret not saying things out of fear. if i was so afraid of them walking away after me speaking up, well, they walked away anyways. so you should have said something. i can't always leave the ball in the other person's court. my biggest character flaw

all i want to do right now is distract myself and just work on getting where i want to be. i joke that i want to be nothing. that i am nothing. to get to that, i need to continue with my runs and eating better (see: less). i need to become more reclusive and focus on reading books and escaping via that. it's all doable. i just have to commit. and i am trying

i should write everything in a letter but i don't have thier address..

yeah i should just go to monterrey for halloween weekend why not wo cares the only other thing i have to consider is sarah's birthday party which i always rsvp as maybe (it's been at least three years now) but flights just o philadelphia, not accounting for spending there, are just as much as a bus and airbnb to monterrey probably even the oncert ticket. soooo. i think when i'm able to clearly think through dates and times and logistics tomorrow i might just buy those tickets and be done with it. i try to allow myself one vacation per three months. i'm sure i've said this on here. my last real trip was in june to los angeles. i wanted to do chicago then denver now philly in october. about four months since la. but i think monterrey makes more sense. yeah. should be fun

when i got ready in the morning i put on the black pants i wore yesterday and a clean black shirt. clean white socks. i thought to myself, interesting. you haven't worn all black in a while. thought about how that's what people do at funerals. i saw a regular who was wearing all black, as she usually does when she comes in. funeral thought came back to my mind. then i didn't think anything of it

i had my suspicions based on flakiness and eratic posting. and a change up in texts. but yea, didn't expect to be mourning what i had going with someone. the all black was just serendipity

blah blah i cant blame myself i did the best i could and you can't control what other people feel and think and are going through. the healthy way to look at things. but it doesn't make me not want to skip my morning class tomorrow and drink wine with my tramadol and a little k to just numb it. i can't be too sad, but i want to allow myself to feel and cope with something again. i deserve it

when jane remover said ' conocerte es una bendicion y perderte a ti me tragara por completo " i felt that

i totally forgot that i'm getting lunch with someone tomorrow between my classes. i feel a little bad because i still haven't fully read the newsletter she sent me but i will do that before we meet up. i'm open to eating wherever, i don't know much about the dining options at UH aside from whats in the rad and student centers. we'll see what happens

i've mostly lost interest in my trip to denver. i haven't bought anything, but without my friend offering up crashing at her spot, and my other friend who wants to do this trip not following up at all, i think it's safe to say it's dead. that's fine. denver also doesn't seem nearly as fun as chicago. but there's another issue. chicago flights for the weekend i wanted to go are real expensive. not sure why that weekend shot up to near three-hundred, but it did. and while i do have a place to stay for free and chicago is a more appealing destination in general, i may put it off. i definitely would like to go and see jack and mia and maybe meet trek, but i think the more responsible thing for me to do is delay. also, i mean, if i had to pick one, a trip to monterrey and seeing saramalacara would be so much more fun for me than denver and possibly chicago

i just want to go back to mexico

i finally bought my new bike. it's fast enough for the freeway. i've put down a hundred and thirty miles or so. need to buy stuff like chain cleaner and swingarm spools soon. and maybe that book 'hyperpolitics'

i ran four out of seven days this week. good start. need to build on it. my mile time dropped by over a minute. progress is happening. will check back in next week

something someone said made me think they read this...

i have done a bad job of writing on here every day this month like i stated in the previous post. i don't owe it to anyone. i've been kinda busy. like this past saturday i had to celebrate a birthday at a bar. that was fun. i had four drinks before going there. then i had maybe four there. i think. or six. seven.. point is it was a good time, i spent twenty-six dollars so not expensive. i ate pizza at lau's place after and we chatted for a bit. then i went back to jordan's house (the birthday guy) where a lot of stuff i don't want to explicitly mention occurred. nothing bad or negative. and nothign that involved me directly, even. we did smoke hand-rolled cigarettes inside a bedroom though. and i wished i had k but i've been putting off buying more. did have the poppers from a week ago with me people were enjoying that. i think i went to bed around four. i woke up fine and not hgungover or exhausted

gonna be seeing a lot of kirk content tomorrow. i think i'm mostly bored with it at this point, but maybe there'll be something new and funny this time around

school was fine this week. i'm trying to remember if i wanted to say anything on here about monday or tuesday. i got the cindy lee record from vinal edge monday before going to a friend's labor day potluck. i didn't bring anything for that but i walked in with the record cause i diddn't want to leave it in a hot car. brief akward moment but overall it was a fun time there. got to see my frien'ds apartment. i think a lot of those complexes are pretty cookie cutter cause the layout felt identical to one i cat sat at in a different part of town. maybe same architect or whatever i don't actually care enough to investiagte that. but it did make me wish i was living alone. i know i can't really afford that comfortably right now but it would be so nice... especially seeing how she has hers set up

anyway i told myself the summer of chud was over in september. i've been doing better about not over eating and putting more thought into the nutrition of what i am eating. started running again this week. trying to do three miles a day. did that monday and tuesday but not today, wednesday, cause i fell asleep and woke up after it got dark. i was pretty sore so it's okay to take a rest. back at it tomorrow. i'm slower than i was two years ago for sure, but it'll come back to me

sometimes you have to gamble on how bad an impending tropical storm will be and whether it's fine to grab aa book and go out to get coffee and watch some baseball (that includes a free givewaway plushie) and go watch a looney tunes movie then hit up a bar all back-to-back on a maybe ten hour lonesome september 1st. which i did. and the gamble paid off. i read about half of 'the vegetarian'. i am really enjoying her prose. then i watched an hour or so of baseball, around four innings, before walking over to the theatre. i did put off doing my readings but i will survive i think. it's only week two. i should be okay. i felt okay after spending the afternoon/evening on myself. also we never really got rain, so it wasn't like the last time i remember going to that amc, when i saw the last puss in boots, where i watched it drenched after gettting caught in torrential rains upon stepping off my bus maybe a twelve minute walk from the doors

i should try to write something on here every day or about every day this month

sometimes i think what will make me a good social worker is how difficult it is for me to connect with people sometimes. because that will translate to an inability to connect with clients fully. allowing me to maintain a professional boundary, sure, but it will also keep me from 'taking work home'. that is, i don't think trauma dumping affects me as much as others because there is just a barrier between me and everyone. feels silly to say, and could just be attributed to all the drinking i've done for like nine hours, but it feels true, right now, in this moment

like i just biked home and am concluding a day that began with getting taco bell with someone, resenting my roommate for agreeing to host someone from out of town and doing nothing about making the house presentable (i had to unnapreciatedly clean up a lot) baking cookies and dropping some off to coworkers for a bday of theirs, giving some to a friend for them and to give to someone i saw recently, taking most for a friend's going away party, then more for another bday, then going to a dif bar followed by a club after, where i had to take care of someone i barely knew and her friend seemed v ungrateful even though i did not have to do all that. then me leaving and stopping by a bar halfway home for popcorn and an ill-advised coors banquet where the door person was someone i was trying to make date plans with after matching on an app and texting for a couple weeks. never materialized. she was reading something related to the percy jackson universe but about norse mythology instead of greek. and through all that i kept thinking about how difficult it is to connect with others. boo hoo i guess

all that's to say if after hanging out with all these friends in all these celebrations, if i still go home thinking about how the only time i feel anything is when people are leaving, then i must have a difficulty connecting, and that translates to being able to separate others from myself when it comes to the darker stuff of social work or whatever

i thought it was interesting that [redacted] did not want to talk about what happened to them. like i know, and i probably shouldn't, so i couldn't really say anything, but the way they dodged anything that could open that convo, i knew it wasn't something to pry about. but they weren't like that about a previous incident that was almost as bad, so it's good to see there is a line drawn in the sand where things become too much

i'm gonna pass out now and hope i get a text tomorrow. i mean i probably will, but i didn't get it today, so it already feels late

idk no new poem today but i did play one of my last few shows as a bassist for a while. band is ending in about a month. we played at grand prize tonight. it was fun. my hands got a little sweaty and i messed up a bit, but overall it was a success. cindy said everyone mentioned being able to hear her, and not being able to hear the mistakes. so alls good

grateful for friends