[redacted] and that it's all be cause i feel ugly and [redacted] maybe possibly related to the emdr that i started with [my therapist] but also maybe because my patience and hope feels blind but alas, i feel that this is an emdr-related blip and that things will improve. obviously don't know for certain and i'm not getting any comfort or reassurances from anyone. in fact quite the opposite

feels like, you know, everyone just wants to be heard. me too. but i don't think i can ever feel that. i can do it for others. i listen. then they widthraw. retreat. or they ask me "why do you even answer?"

"i'm special until i'm not" should be a title to a poem. a silly melancholic one. where i include lines such as: "green kitty cat pinned to my instrument strap / you were special until you weren't / sometimes all it takes is one (1) week / to decide you're stuck / you can't help it / not in the next week / not in the next month / not in the next year / was it you the sunset liked / or the way you made them feel? / don't live in the future / leave those golden hills / dissapear here / i think it's strange / but you'll never know"

i'm sad i forgot my kindle at work cause now i can't wake up to read tomorrow. i have to get ready, go to work, then i can read. but at least i can steal some company time that way. just kidding ! i left the aformentioned party unceremonouisly. i enterred a raffle. out of hope. and when my karaoke partner dedcided they were "too tired" after i stayed way longer than i wanted to because i wanted to sing with them, i slinked out the door. french exit. irish goodbye. whatever. old me. hurt me.

deleted bereal finally cause only person i kept it for seemingly doesnt use it either. really only 2-3 ppl still used it

blah blah blah i am journaling on the side but thats for thoughts i really don't need getting out such as post-therapy sesh musings and even more sad pessimistic, misanthropic stuff.. you get it....