day three and while i feel a little better i had a rough time last night when no one...

nevermind. i don't care to finish that thought. i had an okay day today where i bought two coffees, a 'weekend in cdmx' and a pumpkin spice latte. i finished 'the vegeratrian' which is about trauma, among other things. and the last part that i was reading the sibling was debating how if only she had spoken up, this outcome, where her sister forces her to confront the question "and whats so wrong about dying?" after enduring abuse throughout her life culminating in succumbing to a dream of alienation and dehumanization, could have been avoided. What can be avoided by just communicating? can whatever outcomes we face really be changed? will it happen anyway? i'm not a great communicator. i know that. i channeled some of my general negative emotions towards something constructive with my roommate earlier. but i never really spoke about how i felt with this person that i fear has walked out of my life this week. and while i don't fully belive that to be the case, you can only take people for their word and that was not was i was told, i regret not saying things out of fear. if i was so afraid of them walking away after me speaking up, well, they walked away anyways. so you should have said something. i can't always leave the ball in the other person's court. my biggest character flaw

all i want to do right now is distract myself and just work on getting where i want to be. i joke that i want to be nothing. that i am nothing. to get to that, i need to continue with my runs and eating better (see: less). i need to become more reclusive and focus on reading books and escaping via that. it's all doable. i just have to commit. and i am trying

i should write everything in a letter but i don't have thier address..