crying into my salad

having a difficult time managing emotions right now. i'm generally hopeful that things will work out as i want them to. im trying my best for that. but i get bad thoughts that reverberate and feel like theyre breaking me down. i dont like not having any reassurance, but i agreed that sort of talk would happen in a months time. two weeks feel like two months. but theyre not. and i concede i've probably done this to her in the past. a feeling of uncertainty, without reassurrance. unintentional, as i thought i reassured in other ways, but i understand what not having it plainly spoken feels like now. sure i can interpret some conversations and some of how things play out as reassurances, and i mostly am because i do believe there is intent behind themn, but i can never be sure. i would always reference an abridged version of this excerpt from a mira gonzalez (lol) piece i read in undergrad:

"It becomes clear to me that David and I are biological organisms who possess brains which produce thoughts and feelings and sensations, and our brains, encased in our bodies, will never cross any distance, conceptual or otherwise, to connect with other brains.

Whatever 'connection' I feel with David is based solely on the assumption that everything he expresses to me is an accurate representation of something his brain has produced within the privacy of his own skull and surrounding skin.

'Trust,' I think."

i always say i can never be sure what someone says is true. i guess it was a way for me to rationalize how sometimes we say things we don't mean. or say things and do the opposite. so even when someone says something, you can never be 100% certain. you just have to trust them. does not clarifying you didnt mean something negative make it more true? do you trust that it wasn't meant to inflict pain? does everything produced by the brain reflect an accurate truth? it can't right? it's all fallible. there's emotions. there's lingering pain that the brain might overlook. i don't know. trust is strange. i feel like i'm blindly trusating things right now. and that dissonance is wearing at me. but what else can i do? doesn't help that the way some things are said to me seems to imply my own friends acted against me, however slight or heavy. doesn't help that i still haven't been called back by therapist clinic. it'll be a week later today since i submitted my intake form. that pushes things back in my mind. which pronlongs all of this further

i trust that being given the time and space together at the movies and restaurant means something. i have to trust it. i dont like what an eye for an eye feels like