everyday i feel like throwing up as the sun starts to set. sometimes throughout the day but at least, bare minimum, when it starts getting darker. decided i should channel that energy into writing poetry. good or bad, doesn't matter. in part inspired by the reading i went to and the last two books i read, but also just need to occupy my time and bakign every day isn't feasible and the more i look at my phone the more desparate i feel. when i talked to the writer yesterday he asked if i'm a writer too. i did my usual dance of "sometimes", same i do when asked if i'm an artist or photographer. strange habit i should work on as well. i also have to work on a potential zine with my friend and old coworker, so maybe collage x poems? found images even. anything works

mochi banana bread batter making my stomach feel funny...

was thinking about my reluctance to tell people i'm going to grad school. at first i didnt cause i wasn't sure if i would even apply. then i did. and got all the rec letters in and even the transcripts i struggled to coordinate with my former college. but since getting in i still rarely talk about it. it's summer now. and the start date is in late august. so presumably i am. waiting on financial aid info but assuming that goes well, i should be attending. it became a point of contention with people close to me because they felt i should have told them. and, you know what, i should have. i should be more open about things. especially with people who care about me. but, i'm not fully comfortable with that. it's difficult and makes me panic. but also i think it came from me approaching it the same way i approached the coding school thing i did in 2021. i didnt tell many people about that. it was also last minute. shorter, sure, but i could have talked about it more before when i actually did, which was when i was almost done. didn't even tell my partner then, because i wanted it to be a surprise. i wanted to suprise her with this new skill that would get me a different job and fix things. but it didn't. well, it did surprise her, but it didn't fix anything. that fell apart. both the relationship and my aspirations. feels bad whenever i think about it. i think i also tried to have this one be a surprise and it fell apart. parallels... but point is i can't do that with grad school. two years. people have to know. i think i'll tell my parents tomorrow when im seeing them for father's day