i should apply for food stamps again

in december (august) drinking horchata

cheesecloth fixed my horchata

was like why my leg hurt and its cause of a tattoo

why am i seeing cutwaters mentioned everywhere now i remember drinking them with diamond in march of 2021 and getting a lil too drunk in public cause of them why it take four years for everyone else to catch on....

recreating the weapons meal with ikea veggie dogs (havent seen the movie)

not enough hours between waking up and having to be at work

have birght eyes (gold mine gutted) stuck in my head rn

last night i dreamt natalia lafourcade did a surprise show at bald kitty

a 72-month 22%apr loan on a honda civic would fix me

mailed two post cards to people i haven't met seems fun to try and get to know people via the mail

despite how neglected i feel i'm still not gonna tweet

does feel increasingly pointless to try anymore

making mochi banana bread here is my mochi banana bread recipe:

180g mochiko flour
80g all purpose unbleached flour
1tsp baking soda
1tsp baking powder
1tsp sea salt
1/2tsp ground cinnamon

2 v ripe bananas

165g sugar (100g light brown/white, 65g dark brown)
1 stick of butter
2 eggs
1tsp of vanilla
dark chocolate chips (personally a bit excessive but im the weird one for wanting plain banan bread...)

i've only made this twice. i make regular bread all the time. almost the same recipe. minus baking powder and a total of 240g of all purpose flour only

finally washed and took care of chain maintnence on motorbike. really should have a name for it by now. my cub was yakult. cause it was red and cream. and i had just seen mononoke again. need somehting fun like that again. going to continue ignoring the nail in my rear tire, however

dj set later. funny. never really thought i would do that. it's a b2b so it's not all me. and only reason it got 'booked' is cause pher allowed me to play with him during his slot. dont foresee many more sets. maybe just bedroom mixes. should be fun though. playing silly stuff. energetic stuff. spanish stuff. tipo underground stuff. my dad used to dj when he was my age. younger probably since that was more of a mexico arc for him. he was in the states by my current age. i'll send him the link but don't think he'll like the music too much. i wonder if he's depressed sometimes. seems to have softened up over the past few years

my fault, depre posting is not conducive to who i am working towards being. yesterday was too much but today is a new day and i will take steps forward !

lots of things to look forward to. and i am. only way out is through. and they're waiting for me at the end

[redacted] and that it's all be cause i feel ugly and [redacted] maybe possibly related to the emdr that i started with [my therapist] but also maybe because my patience and hope feels blind but alas, i feel that this is an emdr-related blip and that things will improve. obviously don't know for certain and i'm not getting any comfort or reassurances from anyone. in fact quite the opposite

feels like, you know, everyone just wants to be heard. me too. but i don't think i can ever feel that. i can do it for others. i listen. then they widthraw. retreat. or they ask me "why do you even answer?"

"i'm special until i'm not" should be a title to a poem. a silly melancholic one. where i include lines such as: "green kitty cat pinned to my instrument strap / you were special until you weren't / sometimes all it takes is one (1) week / to decide you're stuck / you can't help it / not in the next week / not in the next month / not in the next year / was it you the sunset liked / or the way you made them feel? / don't live in the future / leave those golden hills / dissapear here / i think it's strange / but you'll never know"

i'm sad i forgot my kindle at work cause now i can't wake up to read tomorrow. i have to get ready, go to work, then i can read. but at least i can steal some company time that way. just kidding ! i left the aformentioned party unceremonouisly. i enterred a raffle. out of hope. and when my karaoke partner dedcided they were "too tired" after i stayed way longer than i wanted to because i wanted to sing with them, i slinked out the door. french exit. irish goodbye. whatever. old me. hurt me.

deleted bereal finally cause only person i kept it for seemingly doesnt use it either. really only 2-3 ppl still used it

blah blah blah i am journaling on the side but thats for thoughts i really don't need getting out such as post-therapy sesh musings and even more sad pessimistic, misanthropic stuff.. you get it....

i'm special until i'm not

hads one of those days where i was like, "if i knew i had to get hit by a car in my lifetime but i could pick when, it would be today". just back to back to back mistakes and failures like i wish i could've just gone to sleep at 8 but i had to go to practice which wouldve been ideal time to get hit. no close calls though

i'm still considering what to do about the loan situation for grad school. im approved for more than i "need" because it adds some for housing, transport, etc but i have that covered so long as i'm able to work weekends. and i'm looking into evening hours at a different place, so i should be fine for the first year. but the idea of not having to work also sounds good.... plus money for housing means i might have more to spend on other stuff. kei car mayhaps... but thats getting ahead of myself. if i understood correctly i only need like 5 of the 10k i was offered for fall. a little less but rounding up for the sake of it. but people are like, you're gonne be overdoing it. you won't have time to yourself. do i even need that though? free time for what? not like i need to spend time with anyone. it'll get me out of helping my parents weekly. i'll see the friends i need to see as it occurs. 16 hours of school and 16 hours of unpaid internship plus whatever i work, say another 16. thats 48. i used to work like 60 something when i was juggling two jobs. idk i'm sleepy again now