sneezing

my nose bled this morning
and yesterday
and the day before
and before
and before
my nose bled for three months straight
every day at 9:42 a.m.
each time it happened
after a sneeze
someone's thinking of me
i say before the familiar drip
drip drips down

in a pandemic of betrayals
i may have been careless
in a bandemic of egos
i'm not an instigator

i sneeze again
around 6:35 p.m.
at least they're waiting til
i'm off work

inspired by a poem by vianney harelly that alyssa sent me

drew some fruit today

superstar (live) by ag cook: :D
superstar by beach house: D:

treating this like a micro blog rn

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don't think i even want a birthday party anymore

my friend from philly who was supposed to be in town since yesterday, yeah, he had to cancel the trip because his dad was not feeling well. so there goes that minor victory for me as i continue to feel isolated from that part of my life. obviously i don't hold it against him and would much prefer his father feels better than seeing him for what likely would have been one evening. but it still stings

finally put the regular banana bread in the oven today. bananas were getting gross but that skin is hardy

need to decide what to make myself. i had grand illusions or delusions of making a carrot cake from scratch for the garfield cake pan i purchased. i might just opt for the chocolate cake and chocolate pudding combo that alyssa left in my pantry. areli was saying stuff about making an earl grey cake and while i do want to push myself, i think i'll do that in a different way, a way that will eat up a good amount of time, not that monday wouldve led to much baking

i'm really considering a century ride on monday. my bike had a flat as recently as tuesday, which i was unaware of for weeks since i hadn't ridden in a while. i patched that and it's held up, so it should be good to go. brake lines iffy still but i can make it work. my friend posted his route that he's riding on saturday, which i can't make but have saved for myself. says ten hours so if i start at like 7 i can be home before sunset, even accounting for food stops. i dont have panniers but i can carry all i need without a backpack. or at least a very light one. we'll see if i follow through. would be nice to get it done before my birthday

been helping alyssa organize a coffee and bake sale. it was her idea to help her friend j due to their difficulties earning money because of increased i.c.e. aggression. which i think is noble. why would i not want to help out someone close to me trying to help someone else i've met and befreinded. so i've done my best to help out how i can. she emailed a bookstore about hosting it, so i went in person to remind them and put a face to the message, since i go there often enough and one of the two owners knows me by name. the other almost got it, unless he was feigning remembering. but i think he still thought i was familiar at least. they got back to us at the end of that week, and she chose july 5. which is not ideal for me but i've moved work around a bit so i can help with setting up and just being there in general for the first couple hours. and when she mentioned potentially wanting to sell zines or prints, i messaged the people i had to to get in contact with a couple that recently launched thier risoghraph studio. we've exchanged messages and are pretty close to getting the prints started. should have that rolling well before next monday. it'll be good. i should buy edition 1/30. or 2/30 if she wants to keep her first one. while i won't say that both of these were done completely irrespective of how creating this connection can help me in the future, i will say if it weren't for the more important reason of providing some help, however small, to people who need it, i would not bother with the networking aspect. mutual aid is good. raising funds to help even just one person afford rent when they can't do so out of fear is good. we should all strive to do more things like that. all this reaching out and accomodating is nothing to me if it helps relief someones anguish and provides the comofrt of knowing people care. i should add im baking some things for it too. i can do chocolate chip cookies again, but was thinking of my maranitos that i haven't made since last year. i think on pure cost/analysis the pigs are cheaper to make. will ultimately depend on what others are contributing

i read that last poem at a very empty open mic. i dont think it was my crowd, but that's okay. wanted to support my friend julia. and why not i felt confident enough in it even knowning i only wrote it this morning

band show friday i think after practice tomorrow i'll be feeling pretty confident. not too confident but enough to play and have a good set

decided to quit buying k for a while. not that i'm doing too much but to better use that money and because it would feel too escapist to be doing it where i'm at in life right now. saem with traveling that includes flights, saving those til september

i bought new glasses today. a bit of a hassle and while i am making humana pay more this year than last, i did add some rx sunglasses as well to finally have that. even the sales guy was like "woah you dont even do contacts under a regular pair?" i have to grow up eventually. also opted for a different, non-acetate frame. which same guy said "yeah i saw on your history just durand, durand, durand... haha" big steps i supposed. i love my beautiful life. threw that blue light filter coating in as well

i should add that i increasingly feel a distance growing between me and a friend group i spent a lot of time with last two years. it's just how things go. ebbs and flows. maybe all in my head. still sucks

The time I got pushed off the subway train
I think it was a prank
I’m sure it's somewhere online
I ran in and put on my headphones
Stood clear of the closing doors
The train didn't move
Doors opened and closed two times
And on the third
A tap on my shoulder
The mirrored figure in the brushed metal walls
And a shove past the yellow welted tiles

The doors closed and the train pulled away
As if all it needed was a nice laugh
That or the weight of me removed
My mind raced over like
And what if I rolled onto the tracks
And what if the next train divided me
I would only lie in embarrassment
For however long the next train's delayed
And I do love a good joke

running into everyone at cidercade on a sunday evening

don't want to start anything but doesn't feel nice to not be given a courtesy heads up like i asked for especially since i moved plans around and figured out how to make something work... its all whatever i'm probably just more upset cause i'm on less than four hours of sleep and no real meal today (me coping to make myself feel better)

invited this one regular to my show next friday. i had mentioned the band and practice to her in previous conversations so i figured i'd throw it out there. her and her friend told me about the fountain pen store in rice village. they said the name like three times but i gave up and figured i'd just search 'fountain pen store' on google maps and zoom in on rice village to find the one they were talking about later. told them the show was free and that i had practice tomorrow morning so probably no real plans since i was half waiting to see if i had to pick up furniture later. they said they'll see me next friday. i really should get her name

cisco said he knew which store so maybe i'm just late to it all. next to a toy shop. i dont go there often anyways

nothing

hoping the regular that bought the book i kinda want to read but don't want to spend the money got the hint that i want to read it and brings it to me sometime within the next week. i told her i saw her bookstore post and that i went to the reading and liked what he read from there but had already purchased one book.... so i think she should have gotten the message. she asked if i'm a poet and i said "sometimes" which goes against my previous post about wanting to change that !

ok but i feel like if she asked "are you a writer?" i would have said yes, in line with that previous post, but she said "poet" which was more specific than i expected so i defaulted. default settings harder to change. have to be more cognizant

friend requesting her listening to baby youre a rich man

sinclair was in town the last couple days. i missed him yesterday cause i fell asleep immediately after getting home around ten-thirty p.m. so i made the effort to see him at grand prize today. if it weren't a rare instance of him being in town i might have bailed, but turned out he's moving to manayunk, pa by the end of next week. so it was worth going out. heard some addison rae. chatted with them. ran into and invited noam and kat to my bday thing that i still need to post about. told sinclair and sarah to come over after since most of the people i knew at gp were going to some solange-backed event in alief, which i had no interest in. was nice to have disjointed conversations with them between lines of k. caught up about bogota and austin and zohran mamdani etc etc. explained how manayunk isn't philly but doesn't really matter who cares about all that... mentioned the high chance of me being there in september and possible link up. the usual stuff

shout out miranda cosgrove

have to pick between two different pairs of friends to invite to my birthday thing and i'm confident i'm making the right choice

alex suggested it being a real 'bake-off' party but i dont think my tiny kitchen can handle that. so instead i think it'll be anything that has to be baked. leave it open ended. lasagna? thats fine. bread loaf chill. cookies etc. have to update my close friends list on ig and post on there. cant tweet about it because i can't control who will see and want to come (again points of contention between friends) so ig and word of mouth. plus gonna deactivate again had my fun. have to make the story post soon since it's about three weeks away now

went to doshi to share my banana bread and read. instead just talked to feen and the other baristas. i forget her name but she spoke to me in basically all spanish. said she owed me a free coffee for the time a homeless guy spilled my water. i said i knew it was an accident and nothing bad actually happened but she said still anyways so i got the drip i planned on buying for free. talked to feen and her about how to improve the loaf. they both liked it. realized i didnt offer patterson any so gave her half of my piece. rest was for coworkers. talked about cameras with feen and didnt read like i planned. ale texted me a pic of my bike outside and asked if i heard her yell my name. i did not

this morning i left my apartment to go on a run around 7:30am. a block away i looked down and saw a dead snake on the sidewalk. originally thought it was a worm but when looking back at the pictures i took i corrected myself. five to ten steps later, i see a dead mockingbird on the edge of the street. i run and return home and leave to get coffee after 9am and i see a dead white kitten on the road. one morning. three different dead animals. all within a block of eachother. kept telling customers about it at work when they would ask, "how's your day?" and i felt like being more honest than normal

got real emotional after someone nearly sent me to the hospital by turning head on into my one way lane. was tracking the traffic signals, seeing cross ones turning yellow then red, anticipating mine will be green by the time i get to the intersection. watched what i thought was the car attempting to run the red instead turn into my one way. was able to brake in time and slam the horn. could not see what they looked like behind the bright headlights and higher suv line of sight vs my tiny motorcycle. would've been right in front of a bar, a good amount of witnesses. did any of them briefly anticipate seeing my body crunch into the hood, roll onto and crack the windshield? sorry party goers, who am i to deny yall that spectacle. for all the 'i should kill myself' comments i make, it's obvious my body doesn't actually believe that